Over the last three weeks I had time to do the most UNHEARD of thing: Park off, read a book, put my feet up, lie in the sun, and pretty much be a lazy slob who forgot to do her laundry until she had one sock, an old pair of paint splattered tracksuit pants, and a Spongebob t-shirt to wear... but I digress.
So, over that period I also had time to take some trips to the local shopping mall. Which was probably a bad idea as everywhere I looked, there were the heel-dragging adolescent zombies I was trying so desperately to avoid. But, what I did notice (between diving into random shops and hiding behind pillars from students) is the fashion, or should I say lack of, that these young societal misfits were wearing, or barely wearing as was the case.
Now, before you accuse me of being old fashioned, let it be known that I am still young, and have a rather large addiction to shopping at trendy stores, so much so that I do believe my boyfriend is a few purchases away from burning my store account cards and credit card to save me from wallowing in buyers remorse when the inevitable bills make their way to my pocket... But, when I think of fashion I think of clothes that are meant to make you look GOOD right??? I mean, call me crazy, but surely you want clothes that COMPLEMENT or improve your look??? Brace yourselves dear square eyed computer friends, I have some shocking news:
Fashion is dead.
*moment of silence*
So in order to try to reincarnate my wallet emptying friend, I have some tips for the teenagers of today, coming from someone who only really has your best interests at heart:
Tips for fashion dead zombie adolescents (otherwise more commonly known as teenagers):
1) Reverse butt cleavaged shorts: Mini shorts don't look good on ANYONE. EVER. EVVVER. Those of you who have decided that mini skirts are slutty but hey, tiny shorts that could fit a 5 year old are more decent are sadly deluded. If you (Like any post-puberty female) have a butt, WHY WOULD YOU WANT IT TO HANG OUT SO WE CAN SEE IT??? Trust me, a pale butt hanging out of a pair of denims wobbling about is possible the worst image a guy could be left with. We all have cellulite, don't deny it, so for goodness sake, why the heck should we have to see it. Just buy some extra material and save yourself the embarrassment. Please.
2) I-just-woke-up-and-I-don't-care-about-fashion: Yeah. You're not fooling anyone. This whole messed up side pony or a bun that looks like your 2-year old sister was playing hairdresser on you is really not becoming... In fact you simply look like you've been in a convertible with the top down, I wouldn't be surprised if people start looking for bugs in that nest of yours. And who are you fooling? We all know you are trying to look as if you just threw your look together in 5min but that you actually took around 30min. And the whole boyfriend shirt over mini shorts so that you can't really see that you're wearing shorts? Come on. Do you LOOK in the mirror? Sleek and pretty girls, show that guy that you have a shower once in a while.
3) Tethering teens: So now tell me this. You go to a shopping mall. You have to walk around. It's a SHOPPING mall. So why in Gucci would you wear high heels?? High heels will never achieve to make you look older and more sophisticated if you are not. End of story.
4) Legging it: Let it be said here, once and for all. LEGGINGS ARE NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR JEANS. Not now, not EVER!!! I do not care if you have a supermodel figure, leggings are meant to be worn underneath other garments, not as a replacement for pants. Why would you want every lump and bump on display for all to see?? And fine, wear leggings, but then for goodness sake wear a shirt that at least covers your arse. And this new fashion of wearing tight crop tops and leggings? Ladies there is a reason why we left the 80s behind us, and you certainly aren't pulling it off near as well as they do.
5) Glasses=nerd=LOLI'MSOCOOL: I discovered something strange the other day. Glasses actually had a purpose other than fashion!!! Yeah you actually used to be able to wear them to help you see better!! Crazy stuff!! And I just thought they were meant to be big and goofy with plastic lenses so you can claim that you are sooooo cute and nerdy and stuff!!!! Like Oh em geeeee!!!! (facepalm).
6) OH my word, you're wearing a BRA! See-through tops. Hmmm. Great. I can see your bra. Shock. You're a woman who wears a bra. Never heard of this before. Not the LEAST bit trashy. Oh wait, your see-through top is neck high with a coller. That makes it SO much more classy. And you're wearing jeans. SOOOO classy. Love the bra, A cup? Yeah, I can see. Because your top. It's completely see-through. Like on purpose. You're DEFINITELY going to attract a decent guy with that who will totally treat you well.
....... I rest my case.
And yes.... for every hormone blinded YOLO-controlled soul, there is a teenager out there who dresses decently, has pride in themselves and wants to actually flatter their pubescent bodies. And to those, I salute you. May you never fall victim to the clones and may you attract the decent fellows out there!!!
Don't even get me started on the male end of the species. Thank goodness my other half's generation was not infected by the neon, pants drooping, big cap, offensive shirt wearing goons that now plague our cities.
And now my rant is done. Term three has begun. Thank-goodness my students wear regulation uniforms.
